BREAKING: Kearney Officially Allows Chickens — Civilization Somehow Still Standing

 BREAKING: Kearney Officially Allows Chickens — Civilization Somehow Still Standing

KEARNEY — Democracy laid an egg Monday night, and it was glorious.

In a vote that surely ruffled a few feathers and thrilled local omelet enthusiasts, the Kearney Board of Aldermen unanimously approved backyard chickens. That’s right — after years of hard-boiled debate, the city is finally letting its citizens get a little bit clucky.

But don’t go ordering your chicks just yet, urban farmers. This isn’t the Wild West. No sir — these hens are subject to more red tape than a federal grant application. You’ll need at least half an acre of land (because obviously chickens need room to emotionally process their free-range lifestyle), and they must be lady birds only. That means no roosters, no guinea fowl, no transgressive hens trying to find themselves — strictly sorority rules in this coop.

Community Development Director David Pavlich heroically informed the board that there are exactly 256 half-acre lots in all of Kearney. So, congratulations to the 0.5% of residents who will finally live their suburban homesteading dreams while the rest of you continue to suffer under the tyranny of supermarket eggs.

Planning & Zoning Commissioner/Alderman David Lehman made it clear that while he voted yes, he is already pre-traumatized by the potential for poultry-based noise pollution. In a bold leap of hypothetical reasoning, he warned that if your neighbor's chickens squawk and your dog barks, you, the dog owner, could be punished. Logic, folks. The backbone of policy.

Lehman floated the idea of a chicken tax — because nothing says “freedom” like paying for the privilege to feed your own breakfast. He suggested these funds could support the overburdened animal control officer, who is apparently bracing for a wave of chicken-induced chaos.

Meanwhile, Mayor Randy Pogue, likely still basking in the glow of being best buds with Clay County Commissioner Jason Withington (of WWE ticket fame — but we’re not supposed to mention that), tried to keep the mood light. He said he hopes he won’t “have to eat crow,” chuckling like a man who has clearly never cleaned a coop.

Final requirements include mandatory cleanliness, odor suppression, and anti-rat protocols — which oddly resemble the same standards not applied to certain local politics.

So, there you have it: chickens are in, roosters are out, and somewhere a HOA president is already crafting a 13-page complaint in Comic Sans. Progress.