CLAY COUNTY COMMISSION HEROICALLY DELAYS MASTER PLAN UNTIL THE STARS ALIGN, GOLF COURSES GLOW, AND THE WESTERN DISTRICT FEELS INCLUDED
CLAY COUNTY — In a bold stand for government inertia and indefinite planning purgatory, the Clay County Commission gallantly tabled a $250,000 master plan this week, deciding that maybe it’s better to wait until new County Administrator Damon Hodges settles in — and perhaps also gets a snack, reads a few memos, and finds the restroom.
Hodges will assume his duties on June 23, at which point he will apparently unlock divine insights into trail systems, marina upgrades, and how to finally, mercifully acknowledge the long-forgotten land known as “the western chunk.”
Parks Director John Davis, who apparently made the grave error of suggesting the county might need a roadmap for the next decade, was gently reminded that the last master plan — from 2003 — achieved the extraordinary benchmark of about 50% success. Which, in government metrics, means they nailed it.
“The biggest success,” Davis noted, “was partnerships,” which is code for “we talked to some people and got a new farm.”
Western Commissioner At-Large Jason Withington, armed with a golf club and righteous indignation, proclaimed he could save the county $250,000 because — plot twist — he already knows what people want: more boat docks and a flashier golf course.
“I see very little benefit for the Western District,” Withington lamented, forgetting that he has said this exact sentence at nearly every public meeting since the Pleistocene era. Fellow Westerners Scott Wagner and Jon Carpenter quickly nodded in agreement, proving once again that if you just repeat “Western District” enough, you too can stall any policy effort.
Meanwhile, Eastern Commissioner JoAnn Lawson bravely shifted focus to the real tragedy: unfixed roads. She questioned why the commission should fund a park plan when potholes continue to lead lives of quiet destruction.
“We could fix roads or have a plan,” she implied. “But certainly not both. That would be… excessive.”
Eastern Commissioner Jay Johnson, clutching his calculator, decried the horror of paying professionals to do professional work.
“We shouldn’t allow government to get gouged,” he said, referring to the wild price tag of 250k for a comprehensive 10-year plan — roughly the cost of two new pontoon boats at Paradise Pointe, but who’s counting?
Presiding Commissioner Jerry Nolte, ever the one to keep order and heads calm, ultimately brought the room back to its natural resting state — eternal limbo — by declaring that the issue isn’t even timely. Because what’s the rush? It’s not like Clay County residents want clear trails, upgraded marinas, or—God forbid—a plan.
“I can’t vote to use citizens’ money at this time,” Lawson said. “I’d like to scrutinize it more, maybe after lunch. Or next quarter. Or when Mercury is out of retrograde.” Gotta Love Joann, Because Joann has the right idea here, saving the taxpayer's money. In the end, the commission demonstrated that nothing says leadership like agreeing unanimously… to do absolutely nothing. Which is just fine!
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