By Sewer Sam – Special to the Waterlogged Times
SMITHVILLE, MO — Get ready to break out the gold-plated plungers, folks! The Smithville Board of Aldermen has officially given the green light to dive headfirst into $8.5 million worth of sewage sophistication — the first ladleful of an eye-watering $70 million sewer and water tab slated for the next decade.
That’s right. Thanks to a little financial wizardry known as Certificates of Participation (translation: debt, but with fancier paper), your city leaders are making bold moves in the name of raw sewage.
Among the projects turning heads and stomachs:
A 144th Street Lift Station, which sounds suspiciously like a sewage-themed amusement park ride, will pump raw waste through a 10-inch pipe across town. The smell of progress? Pungent.
The Stonebridge Lift Station, described as “functionally obsolete,” will be replaced — apparently because “barely working” isn’t considered adequate in modern wastewater luxury.
A 12-inch river crossing will be installed so we can finally say goodbye to the quaint days of having just one fragile little line keeping half the town hydrated.
Multiple projects aim to decommission older lift stations, which is polite city-speak for “We’re finally retiring that 40-year-old pump behind the McDonald’s.”
And let’s not forget the water treatment plant facelift — because if we’re going to be paying for our water, it might as well not taste like garden hose.
Of course, all of this was blessed by Raftelis Financial Consultants, who — in both 2018 and 2022 — informed the city that, shockingly, higher rates are necessary. We assume the next study in 2026 will also recommend even more spending. What a coincidence!
So, buckle up, Smithville. Your water bills are going up, your roads will be dug up, and your future smells vaguely of wet concrete and raw ambition.
Progress never comes cheap — or odorless.
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