First American Pope

 May 8, 2025 | Rome – Because Nothing Says 21st Century Like a Medieval Election

Well, it’s official: the Catholic Church has a new Pope. After locking 133 elderly men in red robes inside the Sistine Chapel and making them vote like it’s a secret society cosplay, the Vatican has once again puffed out its trademark white smoke—signaling that yes, the conclave has finally picked someone to run the 1.4-billion-member religion.

The winner?  surprise, he is the first American Pope. Still under wraps, but rest assured, he does fit the classic mold:  male, elderly, fluent in Latin, and likely owns a collection of antique chalices. The crowd in St. Peter’s Square, clearly thrilled for an excuse to cheer in unison, burst into celebration at 6:08 p.m. local time when the chimney finally coughed up the holy vape cloud.

This conclave was sparked by the death of Pope Francis, who passed away at 88 after a long tenure spent trying to drag the Church into at least the 20th century. In his absence, cardinals quickly got to work, meaning four whole votes over two days—hardly the grueling pace of modern hiring committees, but apparently enough to elect a pontiff for life.

Rumors swirl around the identity of the chosen one, with names like Cardinal Parolin and Cardinal Tagle floating around like heavenly endorsements. But hey, we won’t know for sure until the big “Habemus Papam!” shout-out from the balcony—which, let’s be honest, is the Vatican’s version of announcing a new Bachelor.

Soon the new pope will pick a stage name—er, papal name. Will it be something edgy like “Urban IX”? Or a crowd-pleaser like “John Paul III: Resurrection”? Only time—and ecclesiastical flair—will tell.

And thus begins another era of holy press releases, carefully worded encyclicals, and worldwide tours in the Popemobile.