“Commissioner Announces Tax Bill Delay; Citizens Pretend to Be Surprised”

CLAY COUNTY — In a development surprising absolutely no one familiar with county government, A Clay County Commissioner announced this week that property tax bills are delayed due to what officials are calling a “software issue,” a technical term meaning nobody really knows but it sounds better than admitting chaos.

According to Commissioner Withington, the Collector’s Office discovered “an issue with the software used to calculate the senior property tax freeze,” a program so cutting-edge it last received an update around the same time Blockbuster was still mailing coupons.

County staff and the unnamed software vendor — widely assumed to be one guy named Carl who answers support tickets “when he gets a minute” — are reportedly working around-the-clock to fix the problem. Sources close to the effort say “around-the-clock” means someone rebooted the system twice and then went home because the spinning hourglass felt “hostile.”

In the meantime, citizens eager to receive their annual reminder that everything costs more than last year will simply have to wait.

Officials emphasized that accuracy is the priority, which experts interpret as: “If we accidentally send out bills that are wrong, we will have to interact with the public even more, and absolutely no one wants that.”

Commissioner Withington promised to “share updates as soon as he has them,” a phrase that historically has meant anywhere between 20 minutes and late spring.

Residents across Clay County have reacted with characteristic understanding.

“I’ve always dreamed of spending Christmas wondering what my tax bill might be,” said one local homeowner, clutching a stack of previous years’ assessments like a stress ball. “The suspense really makes the season bright.”

Meanwhile, the County’s prized senior property tax freeze — designed to keep older residents from being priced out of their homes — remains locked in an epic battle with the software, which reportedly panicked when asked to do math involving both age and money at the same time.

The Collector’s Office advises residents to “remain patient,” a request boldly made to a population whose patience expired approximately three property reassessments ago.

Still, officials are optimistic.

“Once we get the system working,” one staff member said, “we’re confident everything will run smoothly. At least until next year, when something else breaks.”